How Our Simple Messaging Can Influence Sibling Bonds

Written for Only About Children by Dr Kaylene Henderson, Child Psychiatrist and Parenting Expert

One of the most common challenges that we, as parents, describe is managing that oh-so-common sibling rivalry that seems to occur between our children. Siblings frequently come to see each other as competitors, and adopt a ‘you vs me’ attitude, which naturally leads to fights.

With this attitude, brothers and/or sisters who both want to play with the same toy will battle it out rather than consider more cooperative problem-solving strategies that they might have otherwise attempted with their friends. They can exclude each other, call one another names and blame each other for misdeeds, (truthfully or otherwise), while we might start to wonder whether we’ll ever be able to leave our kids unsupervised without triggering WW3 in our wake.

Based on our own childhood experiences, many of us assume that sibling rivalry is simply a given; that there’s nothing we could possibly do to prevent or improve it. Yet the truth is, there’s plenty of ways we can promote better relationships between our children and one of these is so simple, yet often overlooked. You see, the words we choose to use when speaking with our children matters, and we may, without realising or intending it, be providing our children with messages that serve to divide them.

“I was thinking about taking you to that great playground now, but then I realised we have to take Joe to his speech therapy appointment, so we’ll have to see if we can go later on.”

“It would be great to go swimming together this morning, but we can’t because Uma will be due for her sleep.” 

“I would love to paint with you but it’s too hard because baby Zane needs a feed. You’ll just have to wait.”

Put yourself in the position of a child repeatedly hearing comments like these and consider how they make you feel about your sibling? When we reflect on how our words are received by our little ones, we can start to see how easily we might create a sense of resentment between our children, entirely by accident!

Let’s take a look at those examples again and this time, consider the kinds of associations that might be created for the child hearing each of these comments.

“I was thinking about taking you to that great playground now, but then I realised we have to take Joe to his speech therapy appointment, so we’ll have to see if we can go later on.”

Perhaps the association that forms in your child’s mind is: Joe = missing out on fun 

“It would be great to go swimming together this morning, but we can’t because Uma will be due for her sleep.”

In this example, the association that forms might be something like Uma = missing out on fun; or perhaps, Uma = someone whose needs are seen as more important than mine; 

“I would love to paint with you but it’s too hard because baby Zane needs a feed. You’ll just have to wait.”

We could guess that the association here becomes: Baby Zane = makes life hard; his needs are considered more of a priority than mine; makes me miss out on my favourite activities;

I’m sure you can appreciate that none of these associations are positive or helpful for sibling bonding. Yet, as easy as it is for our language to steer our children towards negative associations, we can equally foster positive associations simply be being considered about our messaging.

So how you might we tweak our wording to create unifying, positive associations in our children’s minds about their siblings? Let’s take a final look at those examples:

“We’ll take Joe to his speech therapy appointment and afterwards, should we go to that great playground together? You both love it there, don’t you!” 

Joe = we can attend to his needs AND have fun together

“Uma needs a sleep soon. I know you’ll both be keen for a swim once she wakes up – it’s lots of fun when we’re all playing together in the pool, isn’t it? Do you and Uma think the three of us should go swimming together straight after Uma’s sleep? Or wait until Daddy gets home tonight and all go in together then?”

Uma = fun (just ‘on hold’)

Uma = collaborator/team-mate

“It’s a bit tricky for me to set up all the paints at the moment. I’ll be able to do that later with you, but for now, I know how much you love reading too, so let’s snuggle up on the couch and read together first while Zane is having a feed. Have you noticed that he loves listening to our stories too? In fact, I’m pretty sure your favourite books are now HIS favourites too! And mine too for that matter! Thanks for choosing them for us.”

Baby Zane = can join in one of my favourite activities

Baby Zane = someone who enjoys my company and ideas

There are plenty of other ways to unite our children of course, but this one approach, as simple as it sounds, can really make a big difference for our children. By paying attention to our messaging and ensuring that we repeatedly encourage these positive associations, we teach all of our family members to see and speak with one another, not as rivals, but as equally valued members of our family ‘teams’.

Dr Kaylene Henderson is a highly trained, Infant, Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, one of Australia’s leading parenting experts and a grateful mother of three. She is also a trusted professional development provider for the early childhood education sector and a sought-after media contributor and conference speaker. 

In her warm and relatable style, Kaylene shares practical, research-based advice with parents and professionals alike in the hope that together, we can bring out the best in the children for whom we all care.

www.drkaylenehenderson.com

Some more informative reads from Dr Kaylene Henderson:

Understanding and Identifying Signs of Neurodivergence in Young Children

Anxiety In Children | Only About Children (oac.edu.au)

Discipline